I’ve known that I’m bisexual since I was nine years old. I came out as transgender in the late months of 2021. Having been on a long journey of investigation and self-exploration, I can now say with confidence and pride that I am genderfluid.
Before I continue, it is important to distinguish the difference between sex and gender. Sex is the biological construction of one’s body, the chromosomes, genitals and hormones (though even in this, there are far more variations than many would imagine); gender is the social construct, that is society’s expectations of our appearance and behaviour, based upon our sex.
This construct is deeply ingrained in our society, and often taken as ‘truth’, which is why the issue arouses such strong feelings, but the idea that sex and gender aren’t binary is not a new one. The earliest evidence of a ‘third sex’ appears in Neolithic and Bronze Age drawings and figurines, dating back as early as 7,000 BCE. Often these are intersex with, for example, breasts and male sexual organs, and sometimes they have no defining sexual characteristics. Indeed, a multitude of societies older than the one that we exist in now have openly and proudly depicted their fluidity in gender roles and expectations for years, most prominently Hawaiian, Aboriginal and many South-East Asian cultures.
Because coming out, especially as a teenager, means going against a weight of social expectations and pressure to conform, it is often a process fraught with fear and anxiety, even when the community around you is supportive. National and international debates over whether trans youths should be given access to the treatments and care associated with transitioning are almost unavoidable, and often used to detract from more pressing societal issues. Coming out also comes with the fear that your revelations might alienate those you love. It may be that they ask questions which cause you to feel trivialised or dismissed when, in all likelihood, the understanding that you have come to about yourself has already been the result of a long period of intense research and reflection.
However, this does not mean that you won’t find love, or acceptance. It also does not mean that you will never be comfortable in your own body, in your own skin. It means that you will explore your sense of self so deeply that you will find yourself wanting to tell everyone you love how happy you are with the self that you’ve found. And that sense of yourself is allowed to change over time! However difficult it may be to find it at first, there will always be a place of warmth, love, and acceptance for you, regardless of your expression and your identity.
If you are reading this as an ally, or as the friend of someone on a self-discovery journey, the most important thing you can bring to the community is a willingness to learn. If somebody you know trusts you enough to come out to you, to be open about their experiences with you, be the type of person who welcomes it, who reaffirms their care and love and does not invalidate or deny what has been said. You might not understand exactly what your friend is going through or the position they have reached and that’s okay! Perhaps you could respond with questions such as, “I don’t understand yet, but can you explain it to me?” or “I’m so glad you trusted me with this.” It can come as a shock when someone comes out to you and there might be things that are difficult to process. All we ask is for allies to be the type of people who perhaps do not understand yet but wish to learn and welcome new things.
Inevitably and unfortunately, there are those who are thoughtless and hurtful, and I have had to remind myself that those who are unwilling to take responsibility for their words and actions are not worth my time or my upset. These experiences aren’t to be glossed over, and have had an impact on me, but there have been many positive changes within the School, and I have been proud to have been part of formulating and implementing them. Oundle has also shown me a community of people willing to learn, willing to be educated and willing to understand what it is to go through the experience that is being LGBTQ+. Becoming an LGBTQ+ ambassador for the Pupil Pastoral Forum has opened up opportunities for me to make changes in the School that I previously thought were not possible, and opportunities for me to provide support for young members of the community who may be struggling. Pride Societies happen every week, twice a week, as an opportunity for the younger members of the School to have their voice amplified through Maru (the other LGBTQ+ ambassador) and me, and we have already had successes in multiple areas of the School through providing education, resources and a safe place for any pupil in the School who wants it. Any pupil or adult who wishes to reach out is incredibly welcome. I am always willing to answer any questions that I can, have any discussions that I am able to, and provide as much education as I can to those who are looking for it. All we ask for as a community is acceptance and compassion.
There will always be a variety of types of people in life. Although being confronted by some of these types can be uncomfortable, knowledge of this variety can bring a sense of peace once you have come to terms with it. It allows us to know that there are people just like us but also challenges us with the awareness that we, too, need education. Regardless of how much you think you know about any topic, you can never know the truth of someone else’s experience well enough to tell it yourself. Every experience is individual, and that is something beautiful about being human. There is no one ‘human condition’; there is only individual truth.
Everything I have mentioned here is my individual truth. I have had experience with others in the community and I have done my best to include their experiences too, but if your experience differs from this, that does not mean it is not valid.
We are here, we are valid, and we are proud.
